[lux]

Its seems as we have partly different views, and I don't see losing as becoming a failure. To me, losing is an opportunity for change. What I meant by controlling my mental state is that I am able to not be sad, in pain ( most of the time ), sick, depressed, angry or a like unless U self chose to be it. Unless its a drastic event or time, which would make it more difficult to do so. I also lack motivation and I have no purpose for living, nor do I find any entertainment it 99% of things I do. I simply dislike losing in something like this, and I dislike seeing people sad ( if I care for them ) and killing myself wouldn't really make everyone happier...

This does sound relatable to me, in that I've gown up with just me and my mum, she doesn't really have anyone else. She's the reason I've not taken any drastic measures, I can't leave her alone.