[Kureo]

This sounds exactly like me. I've been near 'the edge' before, too. But I see it as losing and becoming a failure. I can control my ability to be ill (To some extent) and some times control my 'depression' I just need a cause. Now sitting at home on a computer for your school holidays is only going to make you feel depressed. It's down to having a motivation and something to do to almost make you forget of your depressive state.

Its seems as we have partly different views, and I don't see losing as becoming a failure. To me, losing is an opportunity for change. What I meant by controlling my mental state is that I am able to not be sad, in pain ( most of the time ), sick, depressed, angry or a like unless U self chose to be it. Unless its a drastic event or time, which would make it more difficult to do so. I also lack motivation and I have no purpose for living, nor do I find any entertainment it 99% of things I do. I simply dislike losing in something like this, and I dislike seeing people sad ( if I care for them ) and killing myself wouldn't really make everyone happier...